Throw on a leather-based pocket tee, slick down your aspect bangs and invite over your screen-time-hungry cousin… Teen Mother OG is again!
This season is a particular one, in fact, as a result of MTV has gone and added not one however TWO new birth-control-challenged broads to this used bedpan-of-a-reality TV present. Bristol Palin (“you-betcha!”) and Cheyenne Floyd (some chick from one other MTV present who obtained knocked up by some dude from one other MTV present) have joined the forged.
Sadly, meaning ol’ Farrah is formally gone. The Ashley was nonetheless holding out hope that The Huge F would worm her method again onto the present, assaulting producers and/or locking them in her porch Porta-Potty till they admitted that she was the “Number One Reality TV Star In Our Nation.”
Anyway, though Farrah is not “Farrah-rizing” our TV units, we’re nonetheless caught with Amber (and no matter residence furnishing is rising out of her backside), Martyr Maci, and hapless Catelynn.
“You’re gonna miss me someday!”
After a fast run-down of all the nonsense the women went by means of final season, in addition to a fast intro of who the hell the new women are, we lastly get to the starting of the rattling episode.
We begin issues off at Maci’s place. Maci’s husband Taylor tells Maci that he received a “disturbing” telephone name from Ryan. (I imply…at this level…are there any telephone calls—or life decisions— made by Ryan that aren’t ‘disturbing?’)
Taylor explains that Ryan is all fired up about one thing Taylor tweeted just lately. Maci is shocked that Ryan truly bothered to name in a menace to Taylor this time. (Anybody else type of shocked that Ryan was capable of punch all of these buttons? Clearly, Mackenzie had to assist him by way of that tough space code half!)
Naturally, Taylor and Maci are scared by Ryan’s threats to “put a bullet” of their heads, in order that they determine to contact the police.
“I reckon we should call the ding-dang PO-lice?”
5 minutes into the new season and we’re already getting the regulation concerned?! This may be a brand new report, guys. We haven’t seen one of these on the spot authorized motion since ol’ Ambo was throwin’ TVs and punchin’ child daddies! #TheGoodOleDays
Maci is aware of that Ryan has the capability to get his clammy mitts on loads of firearms, so she’s understandably nervous that she, Taylor and their youngsters are going to finish up shot up with extra holes in them than Ryan’s veins.
Too quickly? Yeah…I don’t care…
Maci tells us that she and Taylor are heading to courtroom quickly to file an order of safety towards Ryan, in hopes of retaining him (and his assorted weapons) away from their household.
Subsequent, we head to Texas to satisfy Bristol. Bristol is the daughter of Sarah Palin (in case you missed her 455 earlier mentions of that reality.) We additionally study that Bristol’s husband Dakota is a former Marine who struggles with PTSD. Bristol tells us that his PTSD has induced a pressure of their marriage.
Bristol has left her three youngsters with Dakota for the weekend to rejoice her sister Willow‘s bachelorette party. Bristol and her sisters think it’s bizarre that their mother is alongside for the journey, however Sarah doesn’t see something fallacious with the state of affairs and says she notably loved their night time out at the biker bar…
“I’m not like a REGULAR mom! I’m a COOL mom!”
UM… MTV WHERE IS THIS FOOTAGE? For some cause I type of need to see Sarah boot-scootin’ whereas asking a few bikers if she will experience their “Harvey Davelsons.”
Whereas sitting outdoors with their matching bridal celebration shirts, Bristol and the women eat lunch and speak solely about Bristol, regardless of this being “the bride’s weekend.” (Her sister appears like she needs to strangle Bristol with a grapevine.)
“The shirts say ‘Bride’s Babes’ not ‘Bristol’s Babes,’ just in case you didn’t notice.”
Subsequent, we verify in with Catelynn, or moderately Catelynn’s house, as she continues to be away at a remedy facility. Fortunately, Tyler and Nova are holding down the fort, together with all 586 of their animals. Final time we have been hanging out with Catelynn, she had simply returned from two months of remedy, however she explains that she wanted yet one more journey to the ‘hab fairly quickly after she obtained residence.
With Cate nonetheless in Arizona, Tyler continues to be being pressured to movie scenes together with his mother, Kim, which they proceed to do over paid-by-MTV lunches at high quality chain eating places.
As he shovels some type of fried vegetable into his gullet, Tyler tells his mother that Cate gained’t be again for an additional six weeks and that he’s drained from taking good care of Nova and folding garments for Tierra Reign all by himself.
“I feel totally sucked dry,” Tyler says.
Once you study MTV is paying the lunch invoice and you will get these mozzarella sticks too…
Kim is a lady who has had her share of onerous occasions. She tells Tyler that she went by way of comparable incidents together with his dad, Butch, so she understands what he’s going by way of with Cate.
(Um… as soon as Cate hears that her mother-in-law in contrast her to freakin’ Butch, she’ll be on the first Greyhound again to Arizona for an additional rip-roarin’ spherical of remedy!)
“You’re going to be picking up the pieces for a long time!” Kim tells her already depressed son. “It kind of makes you bitter.”
“Bitter? Who’s bitter?”
Tyler says that he’s uninterested in Catelynn getting all the consideration, and is upset that she’s off pettin’ horses and whatnot, whereas he’s left to cope with all the exhausting issues in life.
Over in Indiana, it’s virtually time for Amber to spew The Spawn of Andrew into the world, and she or he is getting ready for his arrival by…sitting on the mattress.
We will say Amber’s on bedrest because of her being pregnant however…she’s just about been on “bedrest” since George W. Bush was in workplace so…
“Maybe I can have the baby right here in the bed! Those Duggar girls do it all the time!”
We get to relive the lightening-fast relationship of Andrew and Amber. (In case you missed it, permit The Ashley to catch you up: she met Andrew throughout Marriage Boot Camp they usually have been principally banging as quickly as Amber mopped up the physique sludge her final soulmate, Matt, left of their mattress.)
Amber tells us that, whereas she was principally a trashcan-of-a-mom to her daughter Leah, she’s decided to point out everybody that she’s a great mother together with her new child, James. (As a result of, sure, it’s most essential what ‘Teen Mom’ viewers consider your mothering expertise, relatively than your precise child…)
Apparently, bedrest does a body-with-baby good, as we study that Child James got here barreling via Amber’s pickle pocket that night time. He’s a couple of days early, however appears to be wholesome.
Gary and Kristina get phrase that Amber and Andrew’s lovechild has arrived, they usually determine they’ll go go to Amber and the child later that day. (We will assume that Gary needs to personally hand Andrew a “Dad Bod” shirt.)
Gary manages to get in a couple of phrases of shade throughout his dialog.
“I only talk crap on Amber when I know her feet are in the stirrups and she can’t get me!”
He says that Amber has been busy being targeted on the new child, whereas he’s been busy being targeted on Leah. (I see what ya did there, Gar…and I prefer it!)
Gary & Co. go to the hospital, the place they discover Amber in her bathrobe in mattress. (So…it’s principally enterprise as standard…) Leah holds her new child brother, and is both kissing him or whispering “Welcome to Crazy Town, bro!” into his ear.
Lastly, we head to Los Angeles to we verify in with New Trainwreck #2 Cheyenne and her child daddy, Cory.
When that first MTV verify rolls in…
We study that Cheyenne has the distinctive capacity to yell her strains, whereas additionally sounding like she has a stuffy nostril and is totally tired of what she’s saying. (The Ashley can also be utterly tired of what Cheyenne is saying…)
We additionally study that Cory banged Cheyenne whereas filming The Problem just because he thought she appeared like Rihanna. I feel that’s good…
Cheyenne then came upon that she was knocked up however, as a result of she had one other boyfriend at the time she humped Cory, she wasn’t positive who the father of the child was.
OH DUDE! This chick’s going to do nice on this present!
Six months after her daughter Ryder was born, the DNA check got here again and revealed to Cory that “you ARE the father.”
Cheyenne tells us she lately began courting Zach, however, in fact, he’s already dwelling together with her and her sister.
SHE FITS RIGHT IN, Y’ALL!
WHAT IN THE SAM HELL IS THIS PERSON’S NAME!?
In the meantime, in Tennessee, we’re handled to some Jen and Larry display time. They’re driving round in a golf cart and gabbing about the newest ‘Teen Mom’ Twitter drama between Taylor and Ryan. It’s like “Happy Gilmore” with much less Adam Sandler and extra excuses.
Larry explains to Jen that Ryan referred to as up Taylor about what he wrote about him on The Twitter and “from there, it’s he said, she said.”
Um…extra like “you tweet, I shoot,” Lar!
“Maybe Ryan didn’t really threaten Taylor. Maybe… he was just rehearsing for a play he’s in! Yeah, that’s it!”
Larry does admit that “Ryan didn’t handle it very well” (very similar to his life, fatherhood, TV fame, cash…)
Jen and Larry hope that Ryan’s threats don’t affect them seeing Bentley.
In contrast to a few of the different degenerates on this present, Maci and Taylor haven’t spent a good period of time in courtroom. Taylor fits up in his “churchin’ flannel” for the event.
“That does it! We’re doin’ a leather-pocketed court goin’ clothing line!”
MTV cameras get shut out of the courtroom listening to, however Maci and Taylor inform us that they have been granted their order of safety for themselves, the two oopsie infants and their canine. Ryan is just not restricted from seeing his son, Bentley.
They’re completely happy that Ryan and his loopy conduct (and equally loopy eyes) should hold far away from them until he needs to face a while in jail. (In fact, jail may very well be a greater choice than having to spend time with a pregnant Mackenzie. At the least in jail Ryan will get “three hots and a cot” and doesn’t have to listen to both of his child mamas bitch…)
Over in Michigan, we see Tyler and Nova at their “new” home (the similar one they’ve been renovating for at the very least two seasons now and have but to maneuver into). They examine in with their random livestock and Cate’s remedy horse, Callie, who truthfully appears like she wants a remedy horse of her personal now.
Nova provides that the horse is gloomy as a result of she misses Catelynn… and Tyler simply has this seem like, “Why?”
“As bad as you think your life is, Horse, it could be worse: You could be Farrah’s horse Starburst!”
That night time, Tyler has fastened Nova some kind of “Helper” product. When Nova says she misses her mother, Tyler says that “mommy’s at work.” (Um…Nova’s going to know that Tyler’s mendacity if he says that. Nobody on this present is ever at “work!”)
Throughout dinner, Catelynn FaceTimes Tyler.
Tyler is happy to inform Cate that her horse misses her. Cate suggests they get one other horse as a result of Cate’s horse might want somebody to play with.
“MORE trips to the feed store?!?!”
Tyler says, “Well, I want a million dollars too!”
Grasp on for an additional season or two, Ty! You’ll in all probability get your want!
Nova cries that she needs to see her mother, and Tyler is very happy to cross off the telephone to the child.
“Here! Look at her all you want!” Tyler tells Nova.
Tyler provides Nova a shower whereas Cate tells them each about her day of mountaineering and watching films. Tyler seems to be irritated by Cate’s seemingly leisure day, since he’s out right here being Mr. Mother, operating a child’s clothes empire and single-handedly maintaining their low-rent farm, all whereas Catelynn’s catching up on her Harry Potter movie-watching!
“If I have to sit through one more conversation about Catelynn’s naps…”
Tyler can actually not cover his disdain for Cate. He’s eye-rollin’ and bitter-sighin’ all the live-long day as Cate talks about the subsequent film she’s going to observe.
We subsequent head to Kentucky (yesssss!), the place Dakota and his daughters are visiting Dakota’s father, Mike.
Dakota says (considerably out of left subject) that he doesn’t want a lady in his life to be a superb dad. Nicely that’s, umm… candy? I’m positive your WIFE will take pleasure in that remark additionally.
We all know Dakota means what he’s saying as a result of he’s shaking his sweaty man-bangs vigorously as he speaks!
“I might need someone to hose me off right quick!”
The producers then determine to get Dakota and his father to open up about Dakota’s army profession. Dakota bluntly tells the producers about the deaths of his fellow Marines and his dad talks about how onerous particularly the six months that adopted that incident have been for Dakota, who says his youngsters are what get him up in the morning.
Again at the bachelorette social gathering, Bristol decides to take a break from speaking about herself and truly ask her sister about her wedding ceremony plans… simply kidding!
Bristol tells the women all about her and Dakota’s quickie elopement.
“Does this ‘BRIDE’ T-shirt literally mean NOTHING to you, Bristol?!”
Principally, Dakota and Bristol’s journey to wedded “bliss” begins at the mall (naturally) and ends with some random dude at a golf course signing their marriage license. Add in a drugged-out experience in a truck and it feels like Ryan and Mackenzie’s wedding ceremony!
Again in Los Angeles, Cheyenne and her household exit to lunch. Everybody in the household is looking Ryder “mooch.” That’s a nickname usually reserved for the women’ child daddies however OK…
Throughout lunch, Cheyenne’s mother worries about Cheyenne’s boyfriend, Zach, dealing with the co-parenting state of affairs with Cory, however Zack isn’t fearful… he’s on this for the lengthy haul (i.e. at the very least till that MTV verify arrives!)
Since Cheyenne and Cory can co-parent with out the courtroom system concerned (at the very least for now), they go to lunch the subsequent day with Ryder to debate their schedules.
When your mother and father are annoying…however the chalk tastes rattling good…
Cory tells Cheyenne he doesn’t love the incontrovertible fact that she and her boyfriend are shacking up already however Cheyenne assures Cory that Zach has no intention of stepping on his toes as a father. Cory reminds her that everybody thinks the two of them nonetheless have one thing happening, which he clearly will get some satisfaction out of.
Cheyenne, her mother and Cory prepare for Ryder’s first gymnastic class, which Zach doesn’t obtain an invitation to. Cory exhibits up with flowers for Ryder—which infants completely love—and Cheyenne is mad that the bouquet isn’t truly for her. As soon as inside the gymnastics place, Ryder strays from the group a couple of occasions, clearly over listening to Cory brag and Cheyenne sound like she actually wants a Breathe Proper strip.
Again in Indiana, Amber and Andrew have James at house and are already killing this parenting factor. They’re altering the child on their kitchen counter, and simply letting him poop wherever the fecal matter splashes.
AS YOU DO.
Amber and Andrew inform the producers all about their moist and wild (actually) birthing expertise and the little effort it took to get child James out of Amber. (That sounds proper up Amber’s alley!)
Even Matt will get a particular shoutout in the dialog. Amber says that she was with Matt for over three years and by no means needed to have a child with him. (Why hassle? He already had like 15 he couldn’t care for!)
“This guy may impregnate women as fast as Matt, but he sure as hell smells better!”
The subsequent day, Andrew is whipping up some lunch on the similar counter that his son’s feces was touching lower than 24 hours prior. Whereas ignoring the numerous bacterial dangers, Andrew tells the producers that life with child James is ideal and a hoop buy may be in the close to future.
May we advise he ask Gary for some engagement-ring-selecting ideas? #NeverForget #WhatsYourReturnPolicy
Later, Gary and Kristina come over to go to child James, together with Cousin Krystal.
Sooo…is Cousin Krystal simply maintaining a tattooed tally sheet on her arm of what number of child daddies she has or…?
Afterward, Producer Kiki asks Amber if she plans to marry Andrew.
“Gosh, why does everyone keep asking about that?!” Amber says.
Um…in all probability since you’ve already been engaged like 5 occasions in 10 years…
Amber says she feels horrible about issues that occurred when Leah was little and blames her previous poor selections on the firm she stored.
In fact, there’s all the time the slight risk that AMBER is answerable for her drug takin’, Gary beatin’, loser chosin’ methods however… nahh!
In Michigan, Tyler and Nova drop by Kim’s home to speak about Cate and her frequent napping and film adventures. Tyler’s stepdad says that he doesn’t perceive what “The Anxiety” even is. He does, nevertheless, appear to be prepared to join “The Anxiety” if it means he will get to observe The Godfather in his bathrobe on the common.
Tyler says he’s dropping his capacity to sympathize and empathize with Cate. Kim agrees that Cate seems to be doing nothing whereas she’s in remedy. Kim is afraid Catelynn will come residence after which go proper again to remedy once more, leaving Tyler to ship Tierra Reign onesies and feed the turtle all by himself.
Once you haven’t gone on a nature hike in weeks and no one cares…
He tells his mother that he thinks it’s “repulsing” that Catelynn will get to lounge all day in her gown.
Tyler is rising extra fed up by the day, so he decides to succeed in out and make an appointment with a therapist.
Tyler’s therapist says everybody has their limits and Tyler is about one remedy goat away from hitting his. Tyler tells her he wants some change. He additionally reveals that…DUN DUN DUN.. he’s having some doubts about his marriage.
He’s indignant that he’s by no means consulted when Cate makes selections, even when it means he’s going to need to cope with the heap ‘o’ pig crap that comes from that call. (That is, in fact, each actually and figuratively.)
“Catelynn wants a pig, she gets a pig!” Ty cries. “She wants a horse? She’ll buy the horse!”
Tyler says he’s uninterested in taking good care of individuals (and remedy livestock).
“If someone asked me ‘Are you happy in your marriage?’ I would say absolutely not,” Tyler tells the therapist. “And I haven’t been…for a couple of years.”
Um…HOLD UP. These individuals had been married lower than three years when this was filmed. Even Butch and April’s marriage was completely happy in the very starting! That is dangerous, people!
Lastly, we head to Texas one final time. Bristol is again from the bachelorette celebration, so she and Dakota are watching their daughter’s soccer follow. The two of them attempt to make some small speak however Bristol is aware of one thing is mistaken. She decides the greatest time to delve into the state of affairs is on the approach residence from soccer follow with a automotive full of youngsters.
Dakota tells Bristol his nervousness has been actually dangerous lately and once more mentions the dying of his fellow Marines. Bristol reminds him that the youngsters are in the automotive, however he continues to unload his emotions on her whereas she sits quietly in the entrance seat.
Issues at Bristol and Dakota’s home are nonetheless tense and the heavy conversations proceed to movement regardless of the youngsters being inside earshot. Bristol says she understands Dakota goes via quite a bit however after two years of coping with every thing, she’s feeling annoyed. Dakota says he’s been coping with these points since 2009 and that each one he wants is to be supported.
“This reminds me of that awful bachelorette party when no one wanted to talk about ME!”
Bristol says she doesn’t need to increase her youngsters to assume that their marriage is regular. Dakota begins to boost his voice. The argument escalates and Dakota finally leaves…
I feel all of us want an evening out at the biker bar after this episode… Sarah, save us a stool!
To learn The Ashley’s different actuality TV present recaps, click on right here!
Amber Portwood, Andrew Glennon, Bristol Palin, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Cory Wharton, Gary Shirley, Jen Edwards, Larry Edwards, Maci Bookout, PTSD, Recaps, Ryan Edwards, Sarah Palin, Taylor McKinney, Teen Mother, Teen Mother Infants, Teen Mother OG, Teen Mother OG Season eight, Teen Mother Recaps, Tyler Baltierra, Willow Palin