Collect ’spherical kiddies for yet one more instructional episode of Teen Mother OG! The forged is right here to show us followers necessary life expertise together with (however not restricted to): learn how to cope with a child daddy who’s threatening to take a gun and blow you all the best way to VH1 (a la Maci); how to slot in together with your latest child daddy’s swanky California pals (courtesy of Amber); and find out how to fake you don’t have to pet a remedy horse, regardless of everybody round you counting on you for every little thing (a la Tyler).
The extra you already know…
We kick this episode off in Michigan, the place Catelynn continues to be making an attempt to keep away from filling within the “Save Our Marriage” Mad Libs sheet that Tyler’s therapist requested her to finish. Fortunately, Dr. Ounceshas come calling, asking Catelynn and Tyler to return to New York Metropolis to debate their psychological well being points and their implausible marriage.
Tyler have to be wanting to get away from the farm for a couple of days, as a result of he’s actually simply shoveling cut-up T-shirts and thin denims right into a suitcase as quick as he can. Nova, in the meantime, is simply standing there wanting unhappy as she watches her mother and father pack to go away once more.
“I can’t wait to tell everyone how damn HAPPY we are. I’m happy. Don’t I look happy?”
So… fresh-out-of-treatment Cate goes to speak about psychological well being whereas she sits subsequent to her miserable-in-his-marriage husband as he talks about their nice relationship? SUPER! Why not simply let Farrah have a phase the place she provides recommendations on how one can handle your anger and be a pleasing individual?
As soon as Ty and Cate arrive in NYC, they’re shuttled to hair and make-up. (Certainly the present’s hairdresser needed to spend a superb hour or so combing the Koolaid out of Cate’s tresses to make it look satisfactory for this present.)
Ty sits down within the make-up chair and is instantly hit with a clumsy query from the make-up artist (who’s, for some cause, is sporting a shawl that appears like a type of neck pillows you put on on the airplane). She asks him what number of youngsters he and Cate have, and Tyler bumbles via an evidence about how they’ve one child, however actually two as a result of they positioned one for adoption however every part’s fantastic as a result of BrandonnTeresa nonetheless allow them to speak to her typically.
“Gee, thanks for asking…”
Simply then, Dr. Dow from the present is available in to speak to Cate about all of her therapin’. Cate tells him that watching films and happening nature walks was nice. He appears to be quizzing her, virtually like he’s making an attempt to see if MTV received its cash’s value by sending her there. He tells her that her nervousness and melancholy are doubtless triggered by something to do with being pregnant.
“What was the most important thing you learned while being there?” he asks Cate.
(It’s too dangerous the digital camera didn’t casually pan to Tyler throughout this dialog. Everyone knows he was in all probability delivering some legendary eye rolls!)
Cate says she’s been getting loads of hate on Twitter from “ruthless” followers calling her lazy for “running away” from her issues.
Simply then, a producer from the Dr. OuncesShow is available in to talk with Tyler earlier than he goes on stage. (They have to be prepping for some kind of Thanksgiving play or one thing as a result of the producer is dressed like a pilgrim.)
“I mean… we can TRY to get you a therapy pig to hold during the segment but it’s kind of late…”
She tells him that they need to speak about how Tyler was left to be the “emotional rock” for everybody as soon as once more. She mentions that they could need to contact on how melancholy impacts a wedding. Tyler’s ears appear to perk up at that comment.
In the meantime, in Tennessee, Bentley is hanging out with Jen and Larry. Apparently, the Edwards clan have concocted some type of mini golf course of their yard.
My hope is that the mini golf course will ultimately grow to be ‘Teen Mom’ themed, i.e. you must putt-putt by means of a tunnel of Butch’s salt-n-peppa mullet hair, or shoot your golf ball by way of considered one of Farrah’s “backdoor” intercourse toy molds or one thing.
“I can’t seem to get my ball over the Sand Trap Baby!”
Now that’s a superb time household enjoyable proper there!
Whereas Bentley’s visiting his grandparents, Maci is prepping to go to Washington D.C. to advertise PCOS consciousness. She tells us that PCOS is a situation she has that impacts her ovulation and makes her all cysty down in her woman backyard. She is planning to go to D.C. to participate in getting a invoice handed to make September PCOS Consciousness Month.
We subsequent head over to Indiana, the place Amber and Andrew are planning to take Child James to California to go to Andrew’s family and friends…for a month. Amber needs to squeeze a fast go to in with Leah earlier than she treks off to The Cal-i-fornia. (Swimmin’ swimming pools…film stars…)
“But, like, can you at least TRY to pronounce ‘jail’ correctly when we’re around my swanky California friends? No one knows what ‘gel’ is!”
Amber modifications James’ diaper (and proceeds to throw the dirty Pamper on Andrew’s lap, pee aspect down, as you do…) earlier than Gary and Kristina arrive with Leah. As we discovered final episode, Leah has been too busy livin’ her greatest life to return go to her mother in mattress.
“Can he talk yet?” Leah asks as she stares on the child, shortly realizing that, like her mom, the infant doesn’t do a lot however lie there.
Andrew suggests all of them exit again and take a look at his spiffy new three-person hammock. (I assume he bought this for the uncommon event that Amber needs to lie down someplace aside from the sofa or the mattress.)
Gary, by no means one to show down an opportunity to go view a rest gadget, shortly will get as much as go see the hammock.
“Did someone say HAMMOCK?”
Later, Amber tells Gary how onerous will probably be not seeing Leah for a month. Regardless that Amber says she doesn’t see Leah a lot as it’s, she’s all the time eager about seeing her, in order that counts.
In Los Angeles, Cheyenne continues to be partying at what will be the longest household pool get together ever. Nonetheless wearing her thong swimsuit, Cheyenne goes over to speak to her dad. He’s all mad as a result of he simply came upon, because of Cory‘s big mouth (and constant need for drama), that Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach is now her live-in fornication associate.
Cheyenne’s dad informed her that he solely loves her if she abides by his “conditions,” so Cheyenne goes across the celebration telling everybody that her father simply advised her that he doesn’t love her.
She goes as much as her grandpa (who is known as Harmone, naturally) and tells him this, and he actually might give two f**ks. Harmone appears proper previous Cheyenne and acts like he doesn’t even hear her. (Perhaps he turns down his listening to help when she enters the room. I imply…you’ll be able to solely take a lot of Cheyenne’s post-nasal-drip voice, proper?)
“If I pretend to be deaf, Cheyenne will go away. I should teach Cory that trick, too…”
Cheyenne (in her thong) marches out in entrance of her home, the place she finds her father. She begins screaming at him about what he stated, because the MTV cameramen rush to seize the Kodak second. Then, Cheyenne’s stepdad comes out (shirtless, in fact) and joins the argument. Random individuals from the celebration begin pouring out of the home to observe as Cheyenne and her dad yell and cuss at one another.
All we would have liked was a squad automotive to roll as much as the home, and we’d have the all of the makings for an episode of Cops!
“Bad boys bad boys…whatcha gonna do…”
Cheyenne’s dad explains that everybody has circumstances on their love. He legit makes use of an instance of Zach banging 100 individuals behind Cheyenne’s again, one thing she admits would make her not love him any extra.
“See, there’s conditions!” Cheyenne’s dad yells.
Zach is simply standing there, wanting like he needs to ask what number of women precisely he can bone behind Cheyenne’s again earlier than she stops loving him.
Ultimately, Cheyenne and her dad make up, however not earlier than her dad tells her that her butt is hanging out of her swimsuit and to cowl up.
Lastly, we verify in with Bristol, who, as you’ll keep in mind, determined to offer her husband Dakota the ol’ heave-ho final episode. Fortunately, she’s not caught in her home in Texas, sporting her overalls and observing her estranged husband. As an alternative, she’s in LA as a result of her son Tripp is collaborating in a “reality TV dance competition show.”
See? Teen Mother Stars: They’re Simply Like Us!
“Don’t trip…Tripp! Geez, I really should have done better on that name…”
As Bristol watches Tripp rehearse for the “Reality TV Dance Competition Show That Will Not Be Named,” she tells her sister that she’s bummed that she’s going to be caught dwelling in Austin, even after her divorce, as a consequence of her daughters with Dakota. She needs to maneuver again to Alaska as a result of she is aware of her household will probably be there to help her by way of the divorce.
Again in New York, Tyler and Cate are on-stage at Dr. Oz. The docs ask Tyler to inform Cate what he wants her to know. He seems to be like he’s about to blow up however manages to kindly ask her to know the toll all of her therapy-horse-petting journeys are taking over him. He brings up the Marriage Mad Libs and the thought of her watching the previous ‘OG’ episodes, and Catelynn seems to be like she needs to take a strand of her pink hair and strangle him with it.
“We’re so happy. See how happy?”
Later, Dr. Dow talks to Cate and Ty and encourages Catelynn to observe ‘Teen Mom’ like Tyler needs her to. Catelynn seems to be madder than if somebody had taken her zebra hoodie away, however she doesn’t say something.
The doc then asks them what the bottom level of their relationship has been. Cate says it was years in the past, once they began couples remedy. Tyler drops a bomb on her although, saying that the bottom level of their relationship is TODAY.
Like Harmone, Catelynn should have turned down her listening to help as a result of she acts like she didn’t hear a phrase Tyler or Dr. Dow simply stated.
Catelynn says there’ll all the time be “little bumps in the road” and Tyler can NOT include the attention roll. He seems to be right down to keep away from doing it within the digital camera however he isn’t profitable.
“I swear if ONE more person tells me to do Tyler’s stupid Marriage Mad Libs…”
Over in Indiana, Gary tells Amber that, since all of them don’t do something that the producers could make a narrative line about today, he’s making an attempt to determine who’s father is. Final season, we discovered that Gary’s mother Carol had many, many, um…”gents callers” within the days earlier than Gary was birthed, and she or he doesn’t even keep in mind whose sperm it was that infiltrated her non-PCOS-stricken ovaries to make Gary.
Carol was gettin’ freaky, y’all!
The subsequent scene takes place in Los Angeles, which suggests Amber and Andrew and the child have already flown on the market.
Is The Ashley the one one who was a bit dissatisfied that they didn’t come to Cali-forny in an previous jalopy, full with Cousin Krystle sitting on the again in a rocking chair, a la Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies?”
Jesus God Leah… I really feel like we’re giving Andrew a pelvic examination or one thing. His manspread is insane…
Andrew’s pals are all marveling over the child like he’s the Child Jesus or one thing…or perhaps they’re simply shocked that their pal truly knocked up the ‘Teen Mom’ woman who went to jail?
“So do you like being a dad?” one asks Andrew. “Is it, like, hard?”
Amber, who, as we all know, is the mannequin of motherhood, explains that parenthood isn’t as arduous as everybody thinks. I imply, the youngsters principally increase themselves after the primary two months or so, proper?
Amber and Andrew regale the buddies with tales about their relationship.
“Things are going well. She hasn’t even thrown a TV at me…yet.”
The buddies take turns holding the Holy Toddler, and Amber brags that Andrew is a proud father.
In the meantime, elsewhere in Los Angeles, Cheyenne’s drama together with her dad is over, so she goes on the lookout for another person to bitch about. She finds Zach’s good friend, Malik, who’s about 5 free Jose Cuervo photographs in and trying to make his MTV debut. Cheyenne tells us Malik is “causing trouble” together with her.
Cheyenne orders Zach to kick his good friend out of the endless celebration, however Zach refuses. As an alternative, he provides Malik extra photographs. Cheyenne is all fired up once more, out on the porch and telling Cory that she needs everybody to go away the get together.
Taking a line from the Nice Amber Portwood, Cheyenne is simply randomly going round yelling “I’M DONE!’
(I really feel like her ‘Teen Mom’ initiation is now full.)
“All the girls on ‘The Challenge’…and I had to impregnate HER…”
Cory tries to get Cheyenne to close her lure and cease embarrassing herself, however Cheyenne is on a mission to get Malik thrown out of the social gathering. Her story retains altering, too. First, she claims that Malik was annoying her. Then, she says he was waving a bottle in her face. By the top, Cheyenne is telling those that Malik is hitting her with the bottle.
The ever-changing story is all very Farrah-esque. Quickly, Cheyenne might be claiming that Malik smashed the bottle over her Granny’s head, stole her thong bathing go well with and was stabbing celebration visitors within the entrance yard.
Cheyenne is mad that Malik is “calling her out of her name.” (And, sure, The Ashley needed to Google that phrase as a result of half the time she doesn’t know what the hell the youngsters are speaking about nowadays.)
Quickly, Cheyenne is bawling in the lounge about how she feels so “disrespected” that nobody is kicking Malik out. Cory appears like he needs to again away slowly out of the room.
“From now on I’m going to be more careful about where I leave my sperm. Bitches be crazy.”
Lastly, Cheyenne’s stepdad finds Malik and asks him to go away so Chey will cease screaming. Malik appears to agree and all is properly…till Cheyenne stomps again outdoors whereas screaming at Zach to “DO SOMETHING!”
Quickly, Chey and Zach are screaming at one another, as Malik is fortunately (but aimlessly) wandering the road, chugging his booze proper out of the bottle like he’s Debz OG on New Years Eve.
(Um…can we kick Cheyenne off this present and simply focus her segments on The Lifetime of Malik? He’s approach much less annoying and I think about he will get as much as some fascinating hijinks!)
Malik looks like my type of individuals…
Neighbors, social gathering visitors and MTV cameramen are all gathering round Zach and Chey who’re each screaming at one another to close up.
I feel it’s candy when couples begin considering alike!
As quickly as Zach accuses Cheyenne of being unable to carry her liquor, she turns into enraged, making an attempt to hit him (Amber-style), as her buddies pull her by her witched-out weave to carry her again.
She’s actually morphing into Amber…
Chey tells us that, after the celebration, Cory took Ryder and fled the scene.
The subsequent day, Chey calls Zach and they comply with speak out their issues. Cheyenne pretends she’s going to take duty for her boozed-fueled craziness.
“I think things could have been handled better…on everyone’s side,” she tells Zach.
Zach agrees that he’ll hold his bottle-waving associates away from Cheyenne’s weave.
“I don’t like to handle things dramatically,” Zach says.
Oh, honey…you aren’t going to final two seasons on this crap-show then!
In the meantime, Bristol tells us that she and Dakota have been avoiding one another and have solely been speaking by way of their legal professionals. Nevertheless, she is aware of that the day will quickly come the place she has to return face to (sweaty-bang-covered) face with Dakota.
In Texas, Dakota is upset as a result of “there is no coordinations” between him and Bristol when it comes to the youngsters’ schedules. Bristol lastly solutions his name, and tells him that principally, his seeing his youngsters all is determined by how properly Tripp does on the “Reality TV Dance Competition Show That Will Not Be Named.”
“So I can’t see my kids until Tripp gets voted off a ding-dang reality show?!”
Bristol then reminds Dakota that her lawyer despatched him a memo the opposite day reminding him to maintain his sweaty mitts off of Bristol’s “America” sweatshirts and whatnot.
She then tears a web page proper out of the Farrah Abraham script.
“I’m a great mom, and I’ll continue to be a great mom!” she declares.
Um….nice? However no one requested you that. The man simply needs to know when the hell he will get to see his youngsters.
After hanging up with Bristol, Dakota tells a pigtailed Producer Kerthy that he is aware of Bristol’s mother Sarah Palin is behind plenty of this nonsense.
Quickly, Bristol is again in Texas, and she or he has to go drop off the women at Dakota’s. She’s hoping she doesn’t need to see Dakota in individual, so she brings her mother Sarah together with her. (That ought to be adequate in repelling Dakota– and just about anybody else– away.)
Sarah congratulates Bristol on attaining a “holy moly guacamole” hoochy mama look the night time earlier than. Tripp, who can also be within the automotive, seems like he needs to throw himself out of the shifting car and take his possibilities on life as a road child.
Sarah then assures Tripp that each one of his “little friends” are going to need him to show them easy methods to do the foxtrot. In fact they’re; everybody is aware of that ballroom dancing is all the fad for 10-year-old boys to do at recess!
Bristol tells her mother how excited she will probably be as soon as she has her personal home.
“You..with your logistics…should be a logistical expert,” Sarah tells her. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn!”
Um…was Sarah slugging out of Malik’s social gathering bottle? Is she having a stroke? WTF is occurring right here?
“Words are hard….you betcha!”
Sarah says that, so what if Bristol loses her home to Dakota? Materials possessions don’t “amount to a hill of beans.”
At house, Dakota tells Producer Kerthy that the final two weeks with out Bristol in the home have been the happiest weeks he’s had in years. He provides that he seems like he simply received out of a life sentence in jail, and that issues are a lot better now that he’s de-Palin-ized the bed room.
In the meantime, Producer Kristen is badgering Bristol for updates on Dakota. Bristol seems burdened, and appears to need to kick the crew out, however she doesn’t say it. As an alternative, she says that she’s upset that Dakota heaved her stuff out of their room.
All collectively now… “Leave me ALOOOONE!”
“In our divorce, I didn’t ask for anything,” Bristol wails. “All I asked for was the money I put into this house, to have that back.”
She says she purchased the whole lot in the home, however she’s not going to be petty about it and inform everyone that. (Um…you simply did.) She cries as a result of she feels Dakota was being petty by shifting her crap.
Over in Washington D.C., Maci is chatting with Congress (or one thing…I’m not fairly positive what the hell is occurring right here). She ends her Presidential Tackle with, “Let’s change the world!”
You actually can’t make this crap up, are you able to?
“My fellow Americans… we have gathered here today to talk about my ovaries…”
After her inauguration and talking concerning the PCOS in her life, Maci flies again to Tennessee to speak to Taylor concerning the POS in her life. (We’re speaking about Ryan right here, in case you didn’t catch that.)
Maci later tells the Oopsie Infants that she received to play on the “playground on Capitol Hill” (cue the “Schoolhouse Rocks” music), and that she by no means imagined that, again when she was only a knocked up teenager, that she would some day be chatting with Congress about her ovaries.
That’s actually all we get of Maci this week, because the present’s new trainwrecks appear to be monopolizing on a regular basis nowadays.
Again in Indiana, Gary continues to be “on the case,” making an attempt to trace down whoever’s sperm was chargeable for his creation. He’s chatted together with his mother Carol about “the frisky years,” and Carol has spilled all she will keep in mind from these Zima-filled nights again within the early ’80s the place she was banging males like conga drums.
“I could get herpes just LISTENING to my mom rattle off her list of men she bedded in the 1980s…”
“She feels bad about it because she knows it don’t make her look good,” Gary tells Kristina.
Properly… we’re on ‘Teen Mom’ right here, guys. None of those knuckleheads are precisely the epitome of purity. Had Carol been fornicating round 2008, slightly than 1988, she would have in all probability earned a spot on a profitable MTV actuality present!
Gary is hopeful that the personal investigator he’s employed (thanks MTV cash!) will have the ability to monitor down his dad.
Plot twist: What whether it is Butch?! How magical would that be? Perhaps Carol was boinking her method up the Midwest and bumped into Butch at a biker bar or one thing? The Ashley is getting unreasonably enthusiastic about this risk.
Again in Michigan, Cate and Ty have returned house from the Dr. Ouncestaping and Cate realizes that everybody goes to maintain bugging her till she does Tyler’s Marriage Mad Libs. She provides Nova a bucket of ice cream and goes to work. When she realizes how “intense” it’s, although, she bails out.
When your marriage questionnaire asks in the event you would slightly have a remedy horse or a remedy pig…
Tyler is out together with his pals, speaking about how he doesn’t need to return to the quesadilla- and therapy-pig- crammed days earlier than Cate went to remedy. He admits to being “pretty miserable” in his marriage proper now, and says, simply as soon as, he’d wish to be the one petting the remedy horse and watching films!
“If you can meet those needs, awesome, if you can’t let me know now and let me get out of here,” he says.
Tyler sounds about as glad in his marriage as Farrah’s movie crew within the Porta-Potty on a scorching Texas afternoon.
“I’m picturing a place where we don’t have to talk about mental health diagnosis or our feelings every day…”
“Marriage is a bitch!” Tyler declares.
Properly…yeah, however so is just about everybody on this present…
To learn The Ashley’s recap of the earlier ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click on right here!
Amber Portwood, Andrew Glennon, Bristol Palin, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Cory Wharton, Dakota Meyer, Dr. Mike Dow, Dr. Oz, Gary Shirley, Kristina Shirley, Maci Bookout, Recaps, Ryan Edwards, Taylor McKinney, Teen Mother, Teen Mother OG, Teen Mother OG Season 7B, Teen Mother Recaps, Tyler Baltierra