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A Stalker & the Saddest Birthday Party Ever – The Ashley’s Reality Roundup

A Stalker & the Saddest Birthday Party Ever – The Ashley's Reality Roundup
“This is my happy face.”

(Word: Sure, The Ashley is aware of that is final week’s episode…some day she is going to make amends for recapping…)

Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s been some time since we’ve checked in with the gals of Teen Mother OG, and, since The Ashley missed a number of episodes between recaps, let’s first compensate for what occurred since the final recap: Maci complained about everybody in her life, Amber complained about everybody in her life, and Tyler complained about everybody in his life.

So principally….enterprise as traditional in ‘Teen Mom’ Land.

We kick off this episode down in Tennessee, the place Maci continues to be reeling from Jen and Larry‘s “casual” suggestion that Bentley change to a personal faculty that principally prices extra for a semester than two “Mommy Makeovers,” a rehab keep and a pair remedy horses.

She’s not thrilled that her almost-in-laws put this concept into Bentley’s public-school-educated head, however she’s refraining from strangling them… no less than on-camera, anyway.

Bentley is about to start out fourth grade (free of charge!) Maci and Taylor “casually” lie in mattress (with an MTV digital camera crew filming at their ft, naturally), and marvel over the undeniable fact that Bentley goes to be 10 years previous quickly.  The subsequent morning, Taylor releases a full-diapered “oopsie baby” on Bentley to wake him up for college.

Nothing fairly says “Rise and Shine!” like getting a whiff of your brother’s crap very first thing in the morning!

“In honor of your first day of school, I’ve got my diaper all loaded up for ya!”

Later, each Taylor and Maci gown head-to-coffee-cup in TTM gear to take Bentley to high school, leaving the “Oopsie Babies” with a “babysitter” (aka no matter MTV manufacturing assistant drew the shortest straw).

As soon as they pull as much as the faculty, Bentley refuses to permit Maci to stroll him into his class, marking the first time he’s been embarrassed to have his pals see his mother (and her MTV digital camera crew). Maci sheds a number of tears.

Later, Producer Jenni is curious if Bentley’s dad, the hapless Ryan, bothered to roll off no matter pal’s flooring mattress he’s probably napping on to want his son a cheerful first day of faculty.

Ha ha! Good one, Jenni! Yeah, that absolutely occurred…about the similar time Gary was educating an aerobics class and hawking FitTea on the Instagram!

“They make me ask this crap… I swear.”

Maci confirms that Ryan didn’t textual content Bentley that day…or any day just lately…or ever.

Over in Michigan, Catelynn and Tyler have found that it’s been virtually a yr since they’ve seen Carly. It’s her birthday that day, so Cate and Ty are celebrating…by consuming quick meals to-go salads.

And, as a result of somebody talked about “Carly,” their overly keen adoption counselor, Daybreak, has to name up.

“It’s happy birthday day…for Carly, can you believe it’s been nine years?” a chipper Daybreak asks, as Catelynn actually shovels chunks of romaine into her mouth.

Cate says that “Nova” demanded they’ve a celebration and cake, because it’s Carly’s birthday.

(Um…are we positive it wasn’t a present producer who was being pressured into arising with a narrative line for these knuckleheads that doesn’t contain Tyler’s dumpster hearth household and/or Catelynn want for or lack of remedy horses?)

“Did somebody say CARLY?”

Tyler shouts that they’re planning to make Carly a birthday video, and Daybreak talks over him to provide them the spiel about how pleased with them she is, and the way they made the proper selection for Carly…blah blah blah.

If Tyler rolled his eyes any more durable, I feel they’d come out and land proper in his Cobb Salad!

Lastly they get Daybreak to cease operating her lure and cling up.

Tyler is clearly lovin’ this convo…

They sprint on right down to the bakery and purchase a cake for Carly. They’re hoping it can make Nova pleased, since the child’s been in a piss-poor temper all day. (Go determine.) She’s in the bathtub, screaming for Catelynn, as Cate is out entrance entertaining the “party guests,” which embrace Tyler’s mother Kim (who’s already slugging down Coronas) and Lexi, who’s the daughter of Tyler’s sister Amber. (She’s in all probability simply glad to be hanging out in a spot that has operating water.)

Nova is having an entire meltdown as a result of Catelynn gained’t are available there and throw water on her head (or one thing), and Lexi appears like she’s about two seconds away from diving headfirst into the cake, Nova and desk manners be damned!

Lastly, Catelynn provides in and goes and bathes Nova, as Tyler runs into the kitchen to pout that it’s no truthful that nobody likes him or no matter. Kim tells Tyler that it’s not good to let Nova all the time have her method…however then reverses that assertion and says, “That’s old-school I guess!”

Umm….?

Tyler tells Kim that their counselor stated Nova is clinging to Cate proper now as a result of she’s fearful that Cate goes to high-tail it again to Horse Camp and depart her alone…once more.

In the meantime, Amber continues to be dwelling like a “boss” in Los Angeles. (By that I imply she’s been sporting sun shades whereas mendacity in mattress.) Nevertheless, it’s time to return to slumming it in Indiana, and Amber shouldn’t be excited.

When your future on crappy actuality TV exhibits is so shiny it’s a must to put on shades…inside…in mattress…

Producer David is  in Indiana, chatting with Kristina about her current miscarriage. It’s not a humorous or comfortable dialog, so we’re simply going to skip proper on by way of this half…

Quickly, California Amber and her sun-kissed crew come clankin’ up the street. (Cue the theme track from ‘The Beverly Hillbillies!’) She’s there to see Leah and she or he simply bursts by means of the door after bellowing, “COMING IN!”

Kristina hears Amber’s screeching and provides a lofty roll of the eye.

“If only we had a doorbell, she wouldn’t have to barge her way in and yell like a derelict to announce her arrival…oh, wait…”

“BOOGER BUTT!” Amber screams as she tries to hug Leah, who barely appears up from her drawing.

Subsequent, we head over to Texas the place it’s shifting day for Bristol. She takes a break from supervising the movers to talk together with her sister Piper and provides her a FaceTime tour of the new home. Whereas Bristol’s celebrating her new home, Dakota shouldn’t be so joyful, as his house in Kentucky was damaged into the night time earlier than.

“It was the stalker, for sure,” Bristol says. “He has it on camera.”

Bristol ought to paste this photograph on her door to maintain The Stalker away…

MTV then enlightens us to the incontrovertible fact that some man has been stalking Bristol and her household since Bristol was only a knocked up teenager, and Sarah was peering out her window, in search of Russia.

He was out and in of jail however he’s now on the run, which scares Bristol.

“I’m now by myself with the kids…in a house…in Texas…4,000 miles away from pretty much anyone I know!” Bristol says.

“And you have no friends!” Piper chimes in.

Geez, why don’t you simply print out MapQuest instructions to your home and mail them to The Stalker, whereas portray “Come and Get Us!” in your door?

In the meantime in Tennessee, at Jen and Larry’s home, a pregnant Mackenzie seems. Though she made an enormous present out of “quitting” ‘Teen Mom,’ her mug has popped up a number of occasions this season. Ryan is nowhere to be see, although.

“Ryan’s out feeding the poor, helping stray kittens and reading to the blind. Yeah, that’s it!”

Everyone seems to be homosexual and merry..till they’ve to inform Producer David that Ryan has “checked himself” right into a long-term rehab facility. Jen emphasizes that this a “90-day INTENSIVE rehab facility.”

Please let Butch be his Rehab Camp Counselor!

Ryan’s final rehab keep  was apparently lower than efficient (go determine), so he’s giving it one other shot. Jen says they’re not allowed to speak to Ryan for seven days. (Hopefully Mackenzie continues to be allowed to put in writing him letters. In any case, all of us know she’s nice at doing that!)

“They’re very strict,” Jen says. “He gets two phone calls a week for 10 minutes.”

So….it’s like…jail? Do individuals put on jumpsuits, type rehab jail gangs and battle over Prime Ramen noodles?

Additionally, I’m positive Ryan’s all damaged up about not having to with the ability to name Mackenzie and take heed to her yap about her being pregnant hemorrhoids, that gosh-dern evil Maci, and so on.

Like the remainder of us, Producer David needs the actual story about how Ryan– the self-proclaimed King of Rehabilitated ‘Teen Mom’ Dads– ended up in an intensive rehab facility. The entire gang simply begins speaking directly, muttering issues like “he picked the place…” “he knew he wanted to go…”

“I’d bet my Man Earrings y’all are lying!”

Whereas everyone seems to be speaking, nobody is wanting up. Their eyes are all fastened on the floor.

Lastly, Jen admits that Ryan did “relapse” however then shortly corrects herself, stating that it was a “slip.”

Um… calling it a “slip” makes it sound like Ryan was outdoors in the yard skipping, misplaced his footing and by chance landed on a syringe crammed with heroin!

“A little heroin never hurt no one…oh, wait…”

In fact, Ryan “slipping” means that he’s going to absent on the day his spawn is shot out of Mackenzie’s loins.

“If I did not love Ryan, I would call him the most selfish a**hole ever for missing this,” Mackenzie says, earlier than saying that it’s for the greatest if Ryan’s getting assist.

The gang admits to being unhappy that they’ll have to tell Bentley that Daddy Dearest is again in The ‘Hab.

I don’t find out about the remainder of you, however I BLAME MACI FOR ALL OF THIS.

Again in Michigan, Catelynn, Tyler and their unhappy social gathering crew gathers round Carly’s birthday cake.

Even Nova is aware of this can be a dangerous concept…

All of them start to sing “Happy Birthday” to Carly (which isn’t bizarre in any respect…stated nobody…) Cate and Ty each movie the track in order that they will ship the video to Carly, as the ‘Teen Mom’ movie crew zooms in to seize each creepy second of this. (Oh, BrandonandTeresa are simply going to love this!)

Nova blows out the candle “for Carly” and everybody cheers. Cate then confirms that they’ve had a creepy party sans Carly yearly since her start.

“At least we didn’t drag out the blanket we have with Carly’s face on it and sing to that…this time!”

Later, after considering that the birthday video will hit BrandonandTeresa “in the feels,” Cate contacts them to see if they will organize a go to with their long-lost daughter, because it’s been over a yr since they final noticed her.

Teresa responds (type of) however doesn’t appear thrilled about Cate & Co. coming down for a go to.

“At least Dawn says we’re cool!”

Lastly, Teresa tells them to not make plans to return there as a result of they’re “working through” some issues with Carly, who is seemingly having hassle comprehending her “very different story.”

I assume not everyone’s mother and father obtained knocked up at 16, positioned them up for adoption (in entrance of MTV cameras) after which talked about it on TV for A DECADE, huh? That creepy cake video in all probability didn’t assist issues alongside, both.

“Teresa says Carly just needs to mature some,” Catelynn says.

Um…Carly’s not the just one…simply sayin’.

Cate is indignant that Teresa isn’t begging them to return and unload their decade of luggage on her youngster…after which speak about it on nationwide tv. Catelynn presses for more information however Teresa principally tells her to again the f**okay off, go sing to a cake and depart the parenting  of Carly to them.

Cate and Ty vow to maintain badgering BrandonandTeresa to allow them to see Carly.

“It’s almost like they don’t want us to come out there or something!”

They finish the phase by doing a cartoon of Carly’s identify…that slowly blows away in the wind.

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS ACT LIKE THIS KID IS DEAD?! Jesus God Leah!

Lastly, they drag out trusty Adoption Counselor Daybreak to “get some advice” on how one can make BrandonandTeresa do what they need in regard to Carly.  Tyler says he’s grown up in the previous couple of years (regardless that he nonetheless clothes like a confused center faculty child making an attempt to be Justin Bieber), and he’s accepted that Carly is just not their baby.

Daybreak, as per standard, is talking in riddles. She tells them to create “a soft landing conversation” with BrandonandTeresa. Tyler appears to get what she’s saying although: principally, cease calling these individuals and demanding crap, and check out being all in favour of them for a change.

In the meantime in Indiana, Gary settles down into his trusty recliner to talk with Amber, Andrew and the producers…about Kristina’s tubes.

“Gather ’round everyone! It’s time for another awkward conversation about reproductive parts!”

“We’re done having kids!” Gary broadcasts, pointing at Kristina. “She had her tubes tied!”

Um…shouldn’t Amber hand out the “I Love California” T-shirts and keychains earlier than everybody begins speaking about Kristina’s woman elements?

Gary then reveals that he’s about to get a vasectomy, which simply makes for an actual nice psychological image. Amber asks why he’s getting snipped, and he says it’s as a result of Kristina had a miscarriage, regardless of being “tied.” Amber then reveals that she, too, had a miscarriage whereas she was with Matt.

To cheer issues up a bit, Gary takes out the ol’ garden chairs and assembles them on the grass. Gary tells Kristina that he’s determined to undergo with the vasectomy, partially to stop Kristina from having to undergo one other miscarriage.

“These are my outside relaxin’ chairs!”

Over in Texas, Bristol says she’s had the fixed menace of The Stalker for 10 years. As an alternative of shopping for an ultra-expensive safety system, although, Bristol decides to go all “Jennifer Lopez in ‘Enough’” and study self protection so she will shield herself and the youngsters from The Stalker.

She’s studying all types of strikes whereas on her again (which, as we all know, is a place Bristol is quite snug in).

“If you’re really scared, I’d be willing to stand in front of your house and tell stories about my vasectomy. That’ll scare anyone away!”

As soon as she’s able to battle The Stalker (and/or Farrah Abraham ought to she determine that she’s going to turn out to be a professional wrestler or one thing), Bristol calls up Dakota to talk. She apologizes that the Palin Stalker has now concerned Dakota. He’s upset as a result of he says he tried to warn Bristol that this might occur and she or he refused to pay attention.

“I don’t want to sit here and act like I do nothing about it!” Bristol says.

I imply…like, she took one self protection class. What extra does Dakota need!?

Um…did The Stalker assault these denims? That’s truthfully the solely acceptable rationalization for her sporting these issues…

Quickly the exes are bickering and Dakota hangs up.

Lastly, we examine in with Cheyenne as a result of…nicely, we now have to, I assume. Principally, she made up with Zach over quick meals and low cost wine, after which broke the information to Cory, who appeared mad, possible as a result of he hoped to take his hose to Cheyenne’s woman backyard himself.

“We’re not together but we’re working on our relationship,” Cheyenne explains to Cory relating to her and Zach. “We’re having positive conversations.”

“That doesn’t make sense to me,” Cory says.

Um…welcome to the membership, Cory. Nothing this woman does makes any sense. Ever. I imply, that is the similar chick who wore a thong bathing go well with at a household celebration so….

This principally sums up how The Ashley feels about Cheyenne’s segments…

Later, Cory, Cheyenne and Cheyenne’s oddly named sister, RKO KardashiaLynn, go go to Cheyenne’s dad. All of them yell at Cheyenne for getting again with Zach. It’s extra mind-numbing than watching Gary nap in his yard recliner. I can’t with this one, guys…sorry…

That’s all for this week!

To learn The Ashley’s earlier ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click on right here!

(Pictures: MTV)

Tags:
Amber Portwood, Andrew Glennon, Bristol Palin, Catelynn Lowell, Cheyenne Floyd, Cory Wharton, Dakota Meyer, Gary Shirley, Kristina Shirley, Maci Bookout, Mackenzie Edwards, Recaps, Rehab, Ryan Edwards, Teen Mother, Teen Mother OG, Teen Mother OG Season 7B, Teen Mother Recaps, Tyler Baltierra